Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I pour the whiskey from now on
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
