Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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