i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
