he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
