I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Randomize
