You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
