the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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