I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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