nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
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