So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
my poor anus
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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