Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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