i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
