do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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