when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
