Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
