Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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