He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
