the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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