I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
