Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
