I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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