Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
We named our party play list daddy issues
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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