i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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