The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
