dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
