i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
