My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
