I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
