the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
