i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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