just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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