Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
