I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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