Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize