Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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