i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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