Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
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