i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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