I haven't been this sober since birth.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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