I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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