You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
