Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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