Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
