My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
