it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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