There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
