there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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