After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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