I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
