be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
