That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
