she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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