I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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