I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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