Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I looked at my own cervix.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize