It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
