she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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