I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
