I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
